March update

Since my last post, the weather has turned lovely (though currently dropped back into coolish) and life is looking up!  After a week's vacation from school I interviewed at Cathedral of Praise, the church closest to our home, for a teaching position in their preschool (infant-K3). They hired me that week as a substitute until a spot opens up in the older grade classroom. That's based on enrollment, which is changing slightly each week, so it's a bit of pot-luck... but I've had three days of work already in the last three weeks, have two more part-time scheduled this week, and two long full-time days in a couple of weeks. It'll be lovely when I get my first paycheck, and I'm having fun too!  The director indicated they may call me a lot for the last-minute things, since I live three blocks (or so) away and can get there faster than their other subs. So that's good. I've gotta get used to the early - and fast - wake-up though; yesterday she woke me at 7:25 and wanted me there in 20 minutes, so I took my breakfast with me!

The weather's been nice enough that I spent a couple of weekends on a new outdoor project, making a "house" for my garden. The last few years I've had trouble with critters eating the produce before we do, so this is a 7.5' x 4' frame with bird netting all around it.  I have to finish the door (it got cooler, and then we went out of town) and one panel of mesh that needs to be secured, and then it'll be finished and I can post a picture.  My seedlings are starting to come up... some folks on my garden email list suggested that some old seeds may still work, but so far none of last year's are coming up. I didn't know much about proper storage then, so I may just be out of luck, but we'll see.  I'm trying something new, working with companion planting (planting certain plants together that help one another grow better) so while I haven't added much more garden area than last year, I have a lot more plants. The tomatoes will be planted with carrots, green onions, basil, and thyme; the beans (trying soybeans and green beans this year) and strawberries are beside each other and may intermingle, and then I have a few from last year that are standing alone: blueberries, rosemary, mint, and a lilac (obviously not food, but something was eating it before it could grow to a hardy stage, so it's in the garden house now).  I'm also getting a free gift of "vine peach" seeds, which I hear are the size of a peach, the structure of a melon, and the taste of a mango. That should be interesting. I also got some of the flowers that are beneficial to gardens, whether they repel pests or attract pollinators. I'm looking forward to the weather warming up a bit more so I can go out there and finish things up!

We started attending Alpha at church. We each have our own reasons for attending, though for me it's mostly the peer pressure... people are unaccountably (in my opinion) overly excited about the Alpha experience, and it's mostly something I'd like to have over with so that I can know what everyone's talking about. Alpha is a program designed for beginners to Christianity, people struggling or seeking, and for cynics and doubters who want to know more. It serves a really important purpose within Christendom, and is a great tool for introducing the basics and (hopefully) pointing folks to tools for a solid relationship with Christ. I'm really not sure that it'll do anything for me as I'm definitely not the intended audience, but I do know that - in any area of interest - it often can be beneficial to review the basics on occasion. So we'll see.

Other than that, we're just reading a lot and watching movies and hanging out with friends. We spent the weekend at my parent's house just because we could, sat around with them watching television and just hanging out.  Our foster care social worker called yesterday asking to meet with us, but I had my phone off while I was teaching and missed the call, then I called back and left a message, so I'm waiting to hear back from her. I don't know if it's a regularly scheduled visit or if there's News. In the meantime, we ought to finish installing the gate and I need to tidy up a few different areas that we've been lax about. I'll copy this paragraph into the adoption blog, so folks who don't read both will be updated; sorry if you read it twice!

I guess that's it for now.

Boredom la-dee-dah... TOOMUCHTODO!!

So life was trucking along on a relatively even pace when it was suddenly stunned by everything happening at once. (Thus, of course, I blog. *heh*)

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Nicholas arrives tomorrow and will be around until Tuesday, I think. This is a very good thing. We have many ideas but no plans, which is typically how everyone around here likes things. He is bringing our kayak and some paddles, but we have nowhere to store it and no roof rack to actually get it to water. We're hoping to replicate Steve's "hang it from the garage rafters" scenario for storage. Of course we got a car that doesn't come with roof rack as an option, so we'll have to dig up the cash for a custom fitted one. We'll see how all that goes.

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I ended my last class with a 98.23%. It's sufficient. *heh* Started a new one this week on "Children, Family, and Community", and it seems to be ok... though repeating a lot of stuff we've already had, and not to much more depth than the first time. But we'll see. It's an instructor I haven't had, and she seems to be rather hands-off right now. It's her first term teaching for Walden, though she's taught many years in a community college. I wish I was more optimistic.

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We are going through the Anglican class, which ends in Adult Confirmation. In order to be confirmed, you have to have first been baptized. There has been a family story that said when I was an infant, a Catholic family member got permission and a vial of Holy water and baptized me in the kitchen sink, since there was doubt about my continuing existence. My parents (being of the 'baptizing is for adults' vein) taught me that it didn't really count. They also taught me that communion was acceptable to take when I was old enough to understand it. In the church we currently attend, they accept infant baptisms and require baptism for taking of communion. I've been content with that thus far. However, because the Confirmation is a rite with the Bishop that requires having been baptized, and I was becoming more and more uneasy about not knowing for sure, I called the family member related to the story. Who has no recollection whatsoever and after lengthy discussion it was all agreed that even if it had, the situation 32 years ago would not have warranted the church having any record of it.

The moral of the story is that next Saturday we will be Dave Ramsey "Sell so much stuff the kids think they're next"ing at Wescott from 7am to 10:45, leaving the table to Jen and running to church for the 11:00 Confirmation rehearsal, running back to Wescott to clean up by 1:00, running home to meet my parents who are driving in from Charlotte, hitting the road for Seabrook by 2:00, and by 4:00 I will be immersed for Baptism in the Atlantic Ocean. Then Sunday morning Lanse and I will be confirmed.

Anyone who wants to come is welcome, but let us know because Seabrook is gated and we'll need to call in a pass for you.

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Adoption homestudy update! Which adds a trip to Columbia to the list of things to do in the next two weeks.

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We also needed to have physicals redone for the homestudy. I called and made the appointment Tuesday morning, went to bed Tuesday night with a sore throat, woke with a fever, and went to the appointment Thursday feeling horrid. Still feel horrid. I'm going out this morning (when I stop typing) to get my medications.

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Things to do by next Saturday:

• Pick up meds and med equipment (need a mask for the nebulizer)
• Get better
• Finish up stuff to sell at the sale
• Wrap up last month's budget info and complete this month's (which already started)
• Write two papers by Sunday night
• Clean the house for Nick (which is a disaster because of crafting stuff for the sale)
• Get groceries (we're out of everything)
• Bake bread (see previous)
• Do stuff with Nick
• Purchase and install kayak storage system
  
• Possible going away party for a friend tomorrow night
• Church
• Tuesday night class
• Meet with Doug about the baptism
• Do Week 2 homework (readings, discussion posts x3, 2 papers)
• Clean the house for my parents
• Host my parents
  
• Travel to Columbia for homestudy stuff?
• Survive through next weekends' schedule
• NOT PANIC

That is all.

Easter 2009

No matter what you believe spiritually, you can't deny the intense amount of love it would take for someone to willingly submit themselves to a public torture and death on your behalf for a crime they didn't commit. There's no power on earth that would motivate that kind of choice aside from an overwhelming love.

The thing of Easter is that that very thing happened, and Christ came back. Anyone can die; I'd wager there are even people who do feel so intense a love that they would be willing to - or already have - die for someone else in horrible and humiliating ways. What makes today so completely and vitally important is ...He didn't stay dead.

In the last few years I've awakened on Easter Sunday so bursting with gratitude that I put on the praising music and danced around the kitchen. That the ruler and creator of the universe held that kind of love for me just fills me with overwhelming joy. I'm a bit more subdued this year, contemplative and tired, but still soaking in bewildered joy and gratitude to Him.

I hope today brings you joy and a deeper understanding of His love for you.

Thursday Randomness

Last night we attended our church's Tenebrae service. Some Anglican and Episcopal congregations do this on Holy Wednesday, but Catholics and others do it on Holy Thursday or Good Friday "The purpose of the Tenebrae service is to recreate the emotional aspects of the passion story..." which went from the story of Judas checking in with the Sanhedrin to set his silver price to the crucifixion of Christ. In the middle were readings from the Old Testament from times when the Israelites were crushed and abandoned and felt forsaken by God. After each reading a candle was extinguished, until only the Christ candle was left; that was removed after the crucifixion and brought back in at the end. In all honesty, I was a bit bored... it was all readings, we sang two hymns that were pretty and solumn but weren't ones that I really emotionally connect to; it was hard to see the litergy and hymn words because it was held by candlelight, and I was focusing (physically and mentally) too hard on following the service to actually internalize it. After the Christ candle was removed from the church (walked out the front door) we said the Lord's Prayer, and that was incredible. It just had a much deeper emotional meaning at that specific point in time. Overall though, I think I've been most affected by the first CRC Tenebrae service that I went to; there was just enough difficulty for me to participate in this one for me to get emotionally involved.

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On a much lighter note, Aleta Meadowlark asked this question today in her lovely food blog, Omnomicon: "What are your top 10 herbs and spices?" So I figured I'd share mine, in no particular order. (S&P are a given, btw.)

1. Garlic Salt
2. Savory
3. Rosemary - fresh from the garden
4. Marjoram - fresh from the garden
5. Basil - fresh from the garden
6. Curry Powder
7. Paprika
8. Coriander (don't use it often because it's whole and I haven't got a grinder, but I love the flavor.)
9. Lawry's Season All Season Salt (yeah, I know)
10. Chives/Green Onion (technically more a vegetable than an herb, but I make it work)

We're having chicken wraps for lunch, with lots of Lawry's. Yum!

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My right foot hurts pretty badly when I walk on it; it's something in putting pressure on my heel that radiates pain down to my toes. Sigh.

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I contested a deduction on my last paper of Week 5 (last week), and my instructor changed my grade! Woo! Go Instructor!

I now have access to my classroom for the new class that starts Monday. It's called "Child, Family and Community Relationships" and is my final course for the 1000 level courses. After this I get to dive into Preschool specific courses. Yay! I have an instructor I haven't had before. We'll see how it goes.

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I love watching the bird bath out here when it's a gorgeous day and I've just refilled it and then sat quietly and patiently waiting. Papa Bluebird took a dip a couple times and then got into a fight with another male Bluebird; the finches (I've figured out how to identify between a male house finch and a purple finch! We have both!) did some low swooping but didn't stop, a mockingbird took a drink and bopped around in the leaves for a bit, and two male cardinals chased each other around the tree. There was something enormous in the neighbor's far tree watching it all, but it silhouetted against the sky and I couldn't identify it.

Learnin'

In a burst of uncharacteristic motivation, I spent all last week learning. I learned about Anglicans, I learned about children's health, I learned about Social Services, I learned about Academic Advising, I learned a bit about my instructor, I learned some XML, and I learned about myself.

'Twas an awful lot of learnin', and it made my brain hurt.

So I'll try to make this quick:

• I just might be Anglican by belief, my "baptism" is accepted, I could have it re-affirmed or get confirmed, depending on what I want. There's a recommended church in Charlotte, but it's smack in the downtown and quite a goodly hike from my folks', and they don't have a Saturday evening service. My mom wants us all together for Easter service, as she should; they're very much not Anglican, so we're facing the 'can't please everyone all the time' scenario.
  
• Proper nutrition is important, especially in growing kids. Nutrients work together to make the body go. Energy balance is vital.
  
• Our case worker has done all her prepping for her 'sit down and write' day, which is sometime this week.
• I have a new Advisor at school who is very nice, interested about me, and will stick with me til the bitter end. This is a good thing.
• My instructor, while very intense and perhaps unaware of inconsistencies, has a good heart.
• XML sucks to learn by doing
• I love making blogs, I have a very short attention span, I'm resourceful, I'm lazy, I enjoy raw spinach, and I can predict earthquakes with my legs.

I learned a lot more than that, but really it's all just details.

Road Blocks*

Tuesday was one of those days that conspired against us in very subtle ways. I honestly don't quite remember what I actually did, but through some weird combination of blood sugar imbalance, PMS, and lack of proper sleep, I suffered some sort of weird spacial disturbance where I kept dropping things or I would go to set something on a table and miss by a quarter of an inch. The sort of thing where I'd spill something, and then in the process of trying to clean up the cat would walk in it, and I'd grab the paper towels, drop them, grab them firmly, knock over a dish on the counter with them, finally get them to the table, wipe the mess too quickly for it to absorb and thus pushing it onto the floor.... that kind of thing. Little frustrations all day.

We had our Anglican Communion/Adult Confirmation class in the evening, and something seemed very determined to have us be late. I made dinner just fine, utilizing the microwave, and we ate and cleaned up and then started packing up things to go. We were both irritated, and Lanse decided to make tea to take, and the microwave made this horrible noise... but kept running, so he let it run for a minute, but the water was still cold. So the microwave was dead. Long live the microwave. I boiled some water on the stove and he had his tea; he went out to the car while I ran to the bathroom... and the toilet wouldn't flush. At that point it became obvious something didn't want us to leave, so I said screw that, and we left anyway. When we got home, the toilet worked fine. Unfortunately the microwave really was broken.

Yesterday was much better, we had a nice long deep conversation about personal faults and no one got mad, and we figured out how we could go buy a new microwave. And then we did. It's about the same size (slightly smaller inside, but by like... 1/10 of a cubic inch) but it's glossy black and makes a huge visual black hole in my kitchen. I'm seriously considering getting white appliance paint to make it match. But the biggest concerns were size, proper buttons, and price, and this had pretty much what we wanted. Then we meandered our way home and I did homework and played more pirate game and went to bed.

Today has been better. Lanse is away at a work event, so I have the day to myself and I'm really not doing anything different, but I'm enjoying it all being just mine (and the cats') anyway. I'll probably do some beadwork, pretend to study, do more piratey stuff, read for Bible Study tomorrow, and write more blog post on spiritual issues that I'm learning at class.

So stay tuned!

*No idea why I called this Road Blocks but I still feel like it fits, so there ya have it.

Birds

Taking turns in the birdbath this morning:

• 4 or 5 Sparrows
• a House Finch
• 2 Tufted Titmouses (Titmice? They're newly arrived and really pretty. I hope they stay.)
• female Cardinal

Watching from nearby:

• 2 male Cardinals, occasionally chasing each other off
• 2 Blue Jays
• male Bluebird, who's never far from his family so they're probably watching too.
  

I love my back yard.

Food thoughts, again

Ood Steak
First, a food related photo for Doctor Who fans. The sign's said this for at least six months, but I finally just stopped to get the photo:

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Onion tears
I cry when I cut onions. I'm pretty sure everyone does, since there seems to be a whole universe dedicated to various methods of onion-tear-prevention. Both of my parents cried cutting onions. What everyone failed to tell me is that they cry because it hurts. I think that was a mean trick.

We've recently discovered the joy packaged in green onions, which I've been putting on almost everything I cook. But cutting them has become such a horrible experience that I've had to plan ahead. Here's what I've discovered:

• I do not cry until I actually touch the cut part of the onion. I've managed to fine dice an entire stalk of green onions without touching onion juice and I did not cry. In the last few months I've only managed to do that once though; it's hard to hold the onions steady enough by the knife to cut them without touching them.
• Once I cry, there's oils involved with my eyes. I have to have 1: a paper towel to wipe my hands; 2: a shirt to wipe my eyes once the oil's off my hands; and 3: a fabric of the sort that cleans glasses well.
• My eyelashes are long, and even after I cough or sneeze and my eyes water, they tend to streak my lenses. After chopping onions, my lenses are so splattered and streaked with oils that even if I could see through tears I couldn't see.
  

Onion tears summarized: Plan ahead. We don't bother with whole white onions because we only eat about half of it before it goes bad or dries out, we don't use it enough. Green onions are great because I can chop up one stalk at a time if I really want to and the rest will keep for a bit. However, I hate doing it and so I've decided that every time I want to cut onions, I will cut twice as much as I need so that the next time I don't have to. I just made a chicken wrap for lunch and only needed a pinch of green onions, but I chopped up three stems to have for later, since I was going to cry anyway. Figured I'd make it count for something more than one chicken wrap.

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Grapefruit Meditation
I've posted before about grapefruit, it's a fruit that really fascinates me in flavor and juiciness and the subtle balance of tart and sweet in the perfectly ripe grapefruit. But what I hadn't realized before this week was the emotional importance that grapefruit holds for me.

Most people have routines or rituals that they probably wouldn't identify as such but which come out as "just the way it is done". There are so many little ways especially done in the kitchen. I was taught that, while you can just forcefully scoop grapefruit out of the sections and eat it, the best way (if you have time) is to actually cut the sections with a knife so as to not miss any juicy goodness. When I was at the women's retreat, a friend saw me cutting out each section of grapefruit and helpfully demonstrated a faster and more effective method of using the grapefruit knife. I didn't mind - at the time I was hungry - but it began to bother me, like I'd missed something important and I didn't know why. I realized that somehow over the years grapefruit eating has become a centering and meditative practice for me. I've developed a routine in which I carefully cut around each section (in order, counter-clockwise), eat each section (again, in the same direction), and then I go around again through each section with my spoon to scrape out any bits that I missed with the knife. Finally, I squeeze the grapefruit carefully into my spoon and eat the juice; repeat until the grapefruit is wrung dry. Any seeds I removed as I ate go back into the grapefruit remains to head to the trash.

In order to get as much grapefruit out, I have to be intentional and focus on each section at a time. I concentrate on the angle of the knife and keeping rind and section membranes from the parts I want to eat. It centers me, focuses my mind, and ends in a blissful taste of heaven. It's meditation with immediate purpose and gratification, and I sense that it's somehow a microcosm for the process of meditation in a general sense. I'm still trying to find the words to explain that thought. But I know it's true for me, because many grapefruits have gone rotten in my refridgerator during stressful times when I make the choice not to eat one because I haven't got the time, or I just don't want to face what may surface if I slow down long enough to carefully section one.

Why bother putting this much intent into eating fruit? Well, if I just quickly hack away at it and gobble it up, I'll most likely be wasting food and the joy of flavor... and that's just not done!

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Fasting and Blood Sugar
Our last two sermons have focused on or mentioned the discipline of fasting. One thing that both priests mentioned was that one of the spiritual side effects or a possible purpose of fasting is that when you're hungry all your bad traits tend to come to the surface, like anger and irritability and pride, not to mention any emotional issues you have relating to food itself. They indicated that fasting is one tool God uses to bring us to a point of dealing with those aspects of our personality.

These sermons came at the same time that I was studying about nutrition and diabetes and other things like that. Fasting or not, when my blood sugar crashes I get angry and irritable and pissed off that I can't handle this stuff (pride?). These emotional responses are offical symptoms of hypoglycemia and low glucose levels. While these are (or can be) serious medical conditions and should be treated as such, and folks with these conditions should work closely with their doctors when considering a religious fast, I find contemplating the ties between the topics very interesting. I'd already been wondering about the link between food and emotional response, but hadn't thrown the spiritual into that mix.

I bet God did that on purpose.

Paradigm Shift

Every time I think of the word 'paradigm' I relive the Salad Years skit from my Wheaton days. Salad Years was the student TV show, and one skit was two people imitating the Sesame Street two-headed monster doing a compound word thing. They did 'paradigm', except instead of 'para-dime' they said 'para-diggum'. It was amusing. I think you had to be there.

("para"...."diggum"...."para"...."diggum"...."PARADIGGUM!" "hey, there goes my dignity!")

Looovely.

And also very off-track.

Anyway, yesterday morning the phone woke me up, which is never a good way to start any day. But the weather was nice, and aside from being groggy I was mostly pleasant. The phone call was Frances from the mortgage company calling to verify when would be a good time to schedule closing on our refinance. She said she was spending the day filling out the forms for us and we'd probably close Thursday (today) or Friday afternoon. This was about... 9:30. OK, great, we've been waiting for a closing date for a month now. Fantastic!

I go about the morning, doing my morning things, and get ready to settle into schoolwork after lunch. The phone rings, and Frances tells me that not only can we not close on the refinance, but our home didn't even qualify for that loan in the first place. The loan officer was supposed to have checked our property values in their database, which apparently he didn't; so the only way we could continue is if we have a minimum of 10K out of pocket to bring with us. So not cool. So the refinance is cancelled, we're trying to see if we can get our non-refundable application fee (minus the assessment cost) back because the guy should have known we couldn't apply for it. We haven't heard back yet.

While I was finishing up on the phone with Frances (and trying not to throw my phone through the screen on the porch) our adoption case worker beeped in. She called back when I was off the phone, just to tell us that the homestudy she promised would be done by either last or this Friday hadn't been started yet. I'm not upset, there's good reasons, but I'm disappointed. Check the adoption blog for more details on that call.

So. Two upsetting and potentially life-changing things; but really it was a matter that in both cases we'd spent the last weeks or months anticipating a more comfortable and responsible moving-forward kind of life. I spent the rest of the day making calls and rearranging our financial goals and realigning my mental concepts of the near future. And relaying this all to Lanse, who was none-too-pleased as I was but processes things differently. It was an... interesting... rest of the day. Aside from a discussion reply or two, schoolwork wasn't part of it. But Lanse allowed an attack of Demon Housekeeper and stress-cleaned the main living areas and our bedroom, a quality of his in which I am very pleased. I just wish stress didn't have to be the trigger.

Some positive things happened though too. I wrapped up loose ends on the property tax snafu, and we actually can pay our mortgage and live off our income "comfortably" (in quotes, because we personally don't need much to feel comfortable; others would find our budget restrictive) and I finally got our March-April budget sorted out. We don't need the refinance to afford the house, and that's a huge sigh of relief.

That said, a little bit extra would be a great thing so we can start paying down some loans, so I'm wanting to put a little more focus in the concept of an Etsy shop with my quilting and jewelry stuff. I'm hoping to get the beading ladies at the game store to teach me some cool stuff that I can sell or give with Christmas in mind. Christmas took a big chunk out of our December budget last year, so anything I can do ahead would be good.

And then there's always schoolwork. Sigh. I suppose I should get to it.

Right now...

There is no breeze, a very uncommon thing on a cool overcast day on the coast. The windows are open and the house is filled with a fresh and slightly damp smell of spring. Over the last two days a soft rain has fallen in ten minute increments every couple of hours. The warm orange glow of the lamp and the purring love of a cat somehow makes the battle of budget creation a little more palatable. I doubt that anything could make financial organization warm and fuzzy, but if it could be done, this would be the right mood for it.

Ode to Cow (not for vegetarians)

In our last episode, I was waxing philosophical on one thing or another, I don't quite remember now. Since then, I worked on week 1 of new term's homework, went on our 10th anniversary 5-star resort weekend from Thurs-Saturday morning, got the stomach flu from Sat evening through Monday (no, it wasn't food poisoning), did more homework, suffered emotional drama over adoption issues (internal, no news yet), and played a lot of Puzzle Pirates. I am willing to delve into more detail on any of those events, and may yet do so (though I'll hold off on flu details, as I hope to keep my few readers), but it's 10:30 p.m. and I can't think straight.

So until that time, I will leave you with the following brief prayer that sprang to mind at our hamburger lunch and left us rolling in sacrilegious laughter (we didn't actually pray this, it was at the end of the meal. I don't think God minded, since we really were grateful):

Thank you, Lord, for yummy food
Thank you, Lord, for food that mooed

Thank you, Lord, for ketchup sweet
I will put it on my meat.

Amen.

A baffling blessing...

For the first time in years... possibly even decades... this particular most amazing thing happened to me today: I walked out of the house to buy some jeans, drove to a store, walked to the children's department, tried on crop jeans, found five (5!) that fit, bought three, and went home.

I got blue jeans with butterflies (butterflies seem to be really in this year), some darker blue denim with a cuff that looks like these with a different belt (teal with a big butterfly buckle), and a dressy black blue jean with dark gold stitching and a gold sequined belt. They don't have that one on the website.

Those of you who know me personally will understand why this is so incredibly amazing. Clothes shopping (when it's needed on a schedule, and I haven't just accidentally run across something) is humiliating torment for me that typically takes two to three weeks of repeated and severe self-esteem beatings while going to store after store after store. Today's experience is, frankly, unheard of.

Plus: with the sale prices that started today and clearance, these three pair listed at $32/pair totaled to a whopping $47. All 5 would have cost almost $160 without sales, and with them rang up to $76. I really wish we'd had that available, but even the $47 is stretching it.

Lord, thank you, and please provide overwhelming blessings for the person who invented capri pants. Or crop pants, or what I guess they're now calling dusters or something like that. They're all the same idea, and they fit. Amen.

Labels

Through the weekend, Jo used stories of women in the Bible to discuss what God intended women - us - to be. On Saturday she covered Rachel and Leah from the book of Genesis, specifically from Ch. 29: "¹⁷ Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful." The point here was how labels given to a person can be either simple explanations or identity defining things. These labels on Leah and Rachel proved to be so defining of their self-esteem and identity that it sculpted everything that we are able to see of their lives and their children's lives, resulting in Rachel's son Joseph saving the Israelites from starvation.

When we got into our groups, the assignment was to identify our own labels. Once done, she asked us (no response required) to think about whether they were healthy or unhealthy, and whether or not they played a fundamental role in our personal identity and self-esteem.

The strange thing is that the only labels I could think of that I knew and that were placed on me by others were from my childhood and teenage years. [I will insert here that there are labels given directly by others such as "this is my shy/tomboy/pretty/smart child", labels given by society based on things like where you live or wear, and labels that can be assigned to yourself inside your own head that represent what you think of yourself. In our group we only discussed those labels placed on us by other individuals.] I know exactly who I was understood to be when I was younger, and I think they were mostly good things: outgoing, friendly, self-accepting, resilient, smart, resourceful, talkative, perhaps a bit naive. I've heard all these things lately from people describing me back then.

But then Jo made the point, what happens when "the happy one" has a bad day, "the introvert" who speaks slowly has something to say, or "the smart one" fails a test? What happens when the outgoing, self-accepting, smart, and resilient person feels suddenly abandoned and terrified, experiences PTSD and depression, fails out of school, and begins to realize how angry she is about herself?

What happens is (following some therapy and family support, God's sudden neon-sign pointing to a purpose, and truck-loads of prayer) you get Me, right now. But for whatever reason, I have absolutely no idea what people see me as now. I have no concept of what labels I may or may not have picked up since I was the me I used to be. Whether that's because I'm much more cautious now (a label?) or just because I've been a lot less social in the last few years and not many people know me, I really don't know. But the last time I was able to define myself in concrete terms appears to be Freshman year of college. And frankly, that's really disturbing. I tend to be a very concrete thinker in general, and I feel like if I can't define myself concretely I must be shades of gray... which somehow feels not too far from fading out entirely.

I'm glad that Jo said that labels can be healthy as well as unhealthy. As much as I dislike being placed into a mental box or category and all the expectations that come with it, labels can help clarify and define a purpose. Ask any pretending preschooler: labels can make a random inconvenient stack of wood discover purpose as "table" or "chair" or "baby bed" or "doghouse". The purpose of this exercise wasn't to deny all labels, but merely to identify them and their qualities.

Maybe taking some time to intentionally explore what my current labels are could help me understand better what my purpose is at the moment.

"Retreat"

When we arrived at the retreat we signed up for a small group in which we were to discuss whatever questions our speaker, Jo, asked us to discuss. On the first evening we grouped to meet one another and our question was "to you, what does 'retreat' mean?" There was brief clarification on whether they meant 'retreat' or 'a retreat' such as we were on, and decided we could answer either.

Most of the folks in my group thought of retreat as a good thing. A refreshing time away from the stresses of life. A time to rest and relax and pull a breath to return to the real world.

My idea was completely different from everyone else. I don't know if this is because of what I'd read recently, but the only thing I could see was that 'retreat' is what you do when you're in the middle of a battle and you're losing. In the case of medieval style battles (I don't know much about modern warfare) retreating is not considered shameful; wise battle leaders retreat with their armies when necessary... to higher ground, to a more strategically important location, to reassess and develop a new plan of attack. Possibly to begin a new process of negotiations among leaders, or to provide medical assistance to the wounded. Retreat is not a peaceful thing, it's a terrifying thing. It means that defeat is on the horizon unless you start making some changes. It means that if you don't quickly begin to relearn your enemy and identify their goals, to predict their moves more accurately and stand up to them, you may lose your kingdom to another ruler.

All of this seems to happen at every church retreat I've been to. All of the emotional breakdown and rebuilding that occurred this weekend could be seen as a retreat from the spiritual battles we experience every day in our lives. For me however, Friday night to Sunday morning is never long enough to first see the current battle conditions, then to identify the problems in our first strategy, and finally to settle on a better plan. It always seems just long enough to identify the problems and panic, but we never have the time to develop the new strategy. Sometimes there's enough time to allow the Spirit to bring us calm and peace after the panic, but never enough to decide what to change in our lifestyles or what steps to take next. What to do to make things different.

Although I'd not been on a church retreat until now since High School, I'd say that stands true for those ones as well. We get all hyped up in worship and praise, God says "Yo, pay attention to *this*", we fall apart, support each other, and then we feel better... for the moment. But even in High School no one offered, "Okay, here's how we can move forward. Here's what you do next." Trust in God. Pray more. Read His word. Learn how to listen. Communicate with someone and share your pain. Those are all great things to do, but how? "Oh, just trust in God. He loves you and He's got it all under control." Great! How do I do that again? Does someone have a magic button that will help me trust in the areas I don't? Trusting is like caring; if you don't, you don't, and at least I have no idea how to make myself do it.

But I think that's okay. Becky and Jo both taught that this process is hard and messy, and that's the way it's supposed to be. Retreating from a battle is facing the blood and the wounded and the fact that things aren't going the way you thought they would. But we always seem to stop there... when do we see as a church family that the bandages are on, the healing's begun, we have a new plan, and then turn together to re-engage the battle?

Women's Retreat weekend

This past weekend was our church's Women's Retreat at Camp St. Christopher's. It was... well, I give it mixed reviews, but only because of my perspective. (Given that it's the only perspective I've got, I guess it'll have to do.) To clarify, it was very well done; the schedule was light enough to provide relaxation times but was also very challenging spiritually, which it was supposed to be. The people were (and are) wonderful; Jeannie et al did an amazingly fantastic job setting up and running the event. Jo was a fan-freakin'-tastic speaker. The food was very good and completely appropriate for my dietary needs (resulting in me not eating any of the extra food I brought along just in case). The setting was gorgeous

So, why mixed? First, I was completely exhausted. It was that kind of complete life-drained done that the past week of illness and adoption inspection/prep might cause. Secondly, despite the joyous experience of falling asleep on a screen porch to the sound of the ocean on Friday night, it was cold and I got somewhat freaked out by the large creature that was bending the palm tree and causing large branches and things to fall around. So I moved into the cabin to join the two snorers. For me, no sleep = very bad. I had to apologize to some folk after my attitude on Saturday morning. (Incidentally, if I snapped at you and don't recall or couldn't find you afterwards, I'm sorry! Tired is no excuse!) For Saturday night I moved up to the more hotel-like rooms because it was too hard to take the cabin's stairs, so I slept much better on Saturday. Thirdly, it was my first time at an event like this as an adult, so I really didn't know what to expect. A large part of my mind was held off at an analytical distance simply observing. The last time I went to a church retreat I was in High School and it was full of emotional wrenching and power struggles and, well, high school drama. So I'm innately distrustful of these kinds of situations. I'm glad to report this was... somehow, the same but also completely different. It was emotionally wrenching (see 'finally' point) but it was also a Safe Place, without the snarky teenage angst. It was simply different. Finally, it was a spiritual retreat with a speaker who challenged us. Which basically means this was soul-searching, exterior-image-peeling, defense-shattering kinds of things. About 100 women peeling away the layers (I prefer the cake vs. onion image, incidentally) with lots of crying, some excruciating wailing and screaming, and steps to healing. All very necessary, all very exciting at some level to see the Spirit work, but also all very, very hard. Exhausting.

On the way home, Cathy J asked me to summarize in a sentence or two what I took away from it. I couldn't manage that, since I came up with one concept that needed lots of sentences to explain. (Not a surprise, really.) That idea of 'what did God say to you' had been circulating throughout the last day, and most people were like 'well, I need to work more on *this*' or 'I need to let go of *this*' kind of things. Those things that were in their *this* were usually main topics of the lectures or the Sunday sermon. For me, it was a smaller (but maybe still large) concept: This stuff is work, and it is messy. And that's okay. Becky (our Priest) said it again on Sunday and it suddenly resonated really hard with me. I have the idea that I should be able to automatically accept those things that Just Are, because some things I have no control over. I know that I can't control some things, but I hadn't realized how angry I was about them... or I had at some level understood that I was angry, but felt I shouldn't be because it should be easy somehow or there really wasn't any point to being angry. Plus, I just hate when I fall apart and I get my shirt (or Lanse's shirt) wet and snotty and then I have a headache from crying and even though I feel better at the moment, it doesn't take care of the problem. So really, why bother? All it does is make a mess.

But that's okay. And sometimes that's necessary. Even if I'm upset about something I have no power to change, I can fall apart about it sometime. It's allowed.

So. Since this seems to be the only way I can successfully journal, I may be working through some things here. I will turn comments off unless I'm looking for advice. It's nothing personal. If you have my email address or IM and want to engage in a back-and-forth discussion, you do of course have the freedom to try it; just please trod carefully and don't be offended if I don't reply or choose not to answer your questions directly. I will not be discussing this on Facebook. In case it needed saying.

Stay tuned for potentially challenging stuff.

Or, I might just get sick of soul-searching and you can toss the last couple bits. You just never know!

Childish bitterness

I have always wanted a tree house or a fort outside. It wasn't something that ever happened when I was a child, so I was thrilled when we found this house had a playset with an upper deck. Unfortunately, the upper deck was badly braced and unsafe and the adoption safety inspector said we had to either rebuild or take down the upper part. So, two weeks ago we (Lanse) demolished it, since we didn't have the tools to do the reconstruction work. It was a very hard decision to make and we were sad.

This weekend the neighbors behind us built a really tall, expensive, and perfect play fort with window screens and rope ladders and everything right across the fence from where our pathetic demolished playset stands.

It feels incredibly childish, but I can't pass a back window without wanting to cry.

?

I'm working on writing my final paper for my final class of the term. For whatever reason, I keep accidentally typing '?' instead of '.'. There's apparently something very comforting when I hit the left shift and ? with both pinkies. No idea why. Maybe they're tired of being left out.

There's also the distinct possibility that '?' pretty much defines my state of being today. It's been one of those '?' days.

Gardening

I am currently planning this year's container veggie garden. I learned a lot last year about what not to do, so while this year will still be pathetic (as I'm a self-taught beginner) it'll hopefully not be quite as pathetic. I'm frustrated with the fact that despite living on the coast, all the online garden places keep telling me that I'm in Zone 8, along with most of inland and south of us. They claim that we shouldn't plant until the last frost in April, but the trees here are budding and it's only February. Planting in April would only give two months (or less) before we're living in the 90s temp range. So I may just go ahead with things. We'll see. Either way, it's making me hungry.

Things I Grew Somewhat Successfully Last Year

• Tomato (2 varieties)
• Green Pepper
• Basil
• Rosemary
• Marjoram

Things I Killed Dramatically Last Year

• Cucumbers
• Strawberries

Things I'm Contemplating for This Year

• Tomato
• Green Pepper
• Dwarf French Beans
• Basil (new plant, old plant died in winter; Rosemary and Marjoram are still good)
• Dill (anti-bad-bug herb)
  
• Green/Spring Onions
• Strawberries (done right, none of this silly pre-packaged cute pot kit things)

I also intend to add some flowers around this year to keep the bad bugs away and the polinational bugs close. Some, but not all:

• Geraniums (anti Japanese beetle)
• Marigolds
• Nasturiums
• Zinnia
  
• Asters

I also need some tall wire tomato holder-uppers, and I need to see if I can find a fine-mesh crate to put over the strawberries. Apparently they make fruit cages to keep birds away, but they're enormous and made for walk-in greenhouses. I also have to find a corner of the yard to dump out last year's old dirt. Also, our spray nozzle on the hose cracked because we were dumb and forgot to drain the water before it froze. Oops.

I hope the garden centers are ready for me!

Perspective

Perspectives are interesting things. From my perspective, what I've done today is:

• Caught up with my friends' news in Iowa
• Talked with a friend in Texas
• Checked in with a concern on a friend in Minnesota
• Dream-journaled
• Done some creative writing
• Briefly met with other adopting moms to discuss a church program
• Updated my family and friends on my week
  
• Double checked with the bank about a money transfer
• Attended a meeting regarding University advertising
• Looked up recipes (and then cooked them)
  
• Completed the rest of Winter term's assignments for EDUC 1012, which included some research
• Investigated a preschool mentoring program

From my mother's perspective, if I were to ask... (and my backside would agree with her):

• You've been frittering at that computer for six hours now... get up off your bum!

Valentine from God

Through Matthew West, "I love you more"

Take a look at the mountain
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am
And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me to
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more